Bb F
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
Bb F C
Yeah, I’ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time
Bb C Dm C Dm
Yeah they rang me up, said “Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show
C Bb F
They want you to sing a song, it’ll be fine, fine, fine”
Bb F
But the problem with my particular œuvre,
Bb F
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over.
C
And the wisdom here at the BBC,
C
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three,
Bb F
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language,
Bb F
Which causes the viewers untold anguish,
C Dm
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved,
Bb C F
For pussy puns on ‘Are You Being Served?’.
F
And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes,
C
Without no bums or blasphemy in it,
Dm Bb C F
A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain.
F
I need a song with a chorus and a verse,
C
With no nasty-ass cussin’ and a-cursin’,
Dm
And I’m a little too lewd and a little too long,
Bb C F
I’ve gotta find myself a three-minute song.
Bb F
And they said, “Remember boy that music is like love-making
C Dm
it’s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
Bb F
Remember boy that music is like love-making,
C
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit…
F
So you need a song that only goes for three minutes,
C
Without no pornography or politics in it,
Dm
You’re a little verbose and a little bit wrong,
Bb C F
You’ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song”.
F
Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
C
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
Dm
Something for the telly that never, ever fails,
Bb C F
To appease the viewers of BBC Wales.
Dm Bb F
And even in the bridge I won’t be lyrically adventurous,
Bb F C
intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious,
Dm Bb F
And I won’t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese,
C C7
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees.
Bb F
For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina,
C C7
Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees.
N.C.
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two… Three… Fore-skin
F
I need a little happy-clappy country song,
C
Nice and repetitive and not too long,
Dm
Boring enough, but not too boring,
Bb C D
With a key change here to prevent me snoring.
G
I need a song that is only three minutes,
D
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it,
Em
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,
C D
Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em.
Instrumental break:
G - D - Em - C D
G
Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense,
D
To flog more tickets to my concerts,
Em
By convincing the viewer that musical satire,
C
Hasn’t progressed since Victor Borge,
Em C
You’ve got a telly and I want to be in it,
D G
But apparently you’ll only watch for three minutes.
C D G
Yeah, apparently you’ll only watch for three…
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