E
Hello
B/D#
Welcome to my show
D Dsus2
I'm glad that you could come
A
We're gonna have a hoot
D B/D# E
We're gonna have some fun
[notes – A3 B3 D3 G3 B3 D3]
E
Sit back
E/D#
Put your feet up and relax
D Dsus2
I hope you've had a drink or three
A
The more you've drunk
D B/D# E
The better I’ll ever be
A
And if you have a mobile phone
Am
Please turn it off
E
Thank you
A
And if you have Tourette's syndrome
Am E
Just do whatever it is you people do
F# A
And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
E A B E
Maybe you should chuff off home
A E
Cos it's only gonna get worse
A E
Only gonna get worse
A
Only gonna get worse
E
From now on……………c**t
[notes – E2 F#2 G#2]
A
My name is Tim
D A
I write funny songs and sing
A B E7
And if you don't think funny songs are funny
A
Well I respect your right
D A
To think exactly what you like
A E7 A
But you're sure as shit not getting back your money
Dmaj7 A E/G# F#m F#m/E
And if you write for a newspaper I'd just like to say
D Dmaj7 A E/G# F#m F#m/E
That I read your publication every single day
Dmaj7 Bø C#7 F#m
And I agree with absolutely everything you say
Dmaj9 Bø/D
I think you're the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer
A G/A D/A Dm/A
Writing on the subject of the arts
Dmaj9
But if you write a bad review
Bø/D
I promise you I'll come round to your house
A G/A D/A Bmb5/A
And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
B11
I'll lay turds!
C11
In all your plants!
C#11
Your indoor plants!
Your potted indoor plants!
F#
Hello
C#/E#
Welcome to my show
Esus2
I'm glad you all could come
B E C#/E# F#
It's time for a little audience participation
F#
Sing, "Yeah!" (Yeah!)
E
Sing, "Yeah!" (Yeah!)
B
Sing, "Yeah yeah yeah!" (Yeah yeah yeah!)
F#
Sing, "Ooo yeah!" (Ooo yeah!)
F#
Sing, "I am an audience member!" (I am an audience member!)
E
"Why are you making me sing?" (Why are you making me sing?)
B
"You self indulgent wanker!" (You self indulgent wanker!)
F#
"Just get on with the fucking show!" (Just get on with the fucking show!)
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